If you follow my social media presence at all, you will know my answer to the question of whether men can be lesbians.
The statement “men cannot be lesbians” is not just a GC slogan, however. Rather, it is a matter of fact. It is demonstrated every day in lesbian lives, relationships, ways of being in the world. That’s part of what makes it so hard to write about. I have tried and failed many times. I hope I have got somewhere close to explaining exactly why, here.
It is not possible to write “universal” truths about lesbians, or about transbians. Instead, I have focussed on my own experiences; I talk about my femme self, my butch wife, and my ex, a man who claimed to “be” a lesbian when it suited him. He broke my favourite shoes by masturbating secretly in them whilst I was out, and as time went on, demanded to be “out” and have “lesbian sex” with me, wearing my clothes.
I knew he wasn’t a lesbian, and I knew that what he wanted and what we were doing was not lesbian sex. I knew it in every fibre of my body. Not only was he not a lesbian, he was the complete opposite of a lesbian. He appropriated and envied lesbian bodies and experiences, whilst at the same time everything he understood about lesbians was a pornified mockery of what lesbians are. He wanted to fuck me, he wanted to hurt me, he wanted to be me, and in his spiteful, jealous, misogynist rage, he didn’t care what I, an actual lesbian, felt about any of it.
Men may pretend to be lesbians, they may even find female partners who are willing to role play being lesbians with them, but in the end “I’m a lesbian trapped in a man’s body” remains an unfunny, 1970s joke.
And before you come at me with “not all transbians,” “not all butches,” and “not all femmes,” read what I actually wrote. I didn’t say all anybody. I’m talking about my own experience.
Final warning in case you missed it: sexual content, some of which is very disturbing.
Also, if you find this in any way useful, please do consider sending me a wee something towards my wedding next summer.
https://www.buymeacoffee.com/femmeloves
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I may consider adding more to this list as it occurs - but believe me this is not an exhaustive list. There is a list almost this long that just refers to the difference between penis and strap.
Thank You for sharing Ceri...
your article gives a profoundly honest outline of your personal & relationship development and journey.
Kell x